The Cluedoville Files
by Inspector Brown
Summary: Rated for adult themes and strong language. Follow private detective Richard Brown on several minimysteries, staring your favorite Clue characters, and then some.
1. Stealing First

The Cluedoville Files Case #1: Stealing First 

The day started out normal enough, for a day in Cluedoville, North Dakota. When I got to my office, Miss Josephine Scarlet was already there, making the best coffee in town, as usual. I remember the day I hired Joey as if it were yesterday. As a matter of fact, it was yesterday. But, I digress. Around 10:00 a.m. I was surprised by a visit from my old physics teacher, Professor Peter Plum.

"Pete! Good morning! What brings you here?"

"I need a detective, and you're the only one around."

"What happened?" I asked.

"I can't find my most valuable possession."

"What?" Joey sneered, "Your first textbook?"

"The grown-ups are talking, dear," I retorted.

Pete continued, "My Babe Ruth rookie baseball card. It's the one thing I'll never forget." Considering his memory, that's saying something.

"What's so important about it?" I said.

"I've had that card since I was just a lad. I fear someone may have stolen it!"

"I'll get right on it. You know my fee." I knew that was a mistake as soon as I said it. "20 a day, plus expenses."

I figured the first thing I should do was to interrogate possible suspects. I started with Monsieur Alexander Brunette. He was a friend of mine in college. He had physics class with me. But he became a con man and I became a private eye. I haven't spoken to him since. You might be asking why I suspected him. Well, you got to start somewhere. When I got to his place, I found him doing bench presses. To my surprise, Alex was happy to see me.

"Richard! What a surprise! I thought you were never going to speak to me again!" He said this with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Stow it, Brunette; this is strictly business."

Alex put the barbell away and sat up. "What can I do you for?"

My face shifted to a very serious expression. "Plum's baseball card. Where is it?"

"I don't know nothing about no baseball cards. I gave up petty larceny years ago. You know that." He was right.

"Okay, sorry I bothered you."

"Forget about it. It was nice to see you again, Richard."

As I left Alex's pad, I felt sort of silly. I decided to talk with District Attorney Blanche White next; not that she was a suspect or anything. She really doesn't like it when I just drop in. Blanche recoiled in surprise as I entered the room.

"Mr. Brown, why are you in my office?" she demanded.

"Please, Mrs. White, call me Dick."

"Okay, DICK, why are you in my office?" The DA seemed to be much calmer as she said that.

I took a seat in front of her desk. "I'm on a case. Plum thinks his Babe Ruth rookie card was stolen."

"Oh, that."

Blanche's response was rather unorthodox, and took me by surprise. "What? What 'Oh, that?'"

"He was supposed to donate it to a charity auction today. He probably forgot."

"Yeah, great. Anyway, I was wondering if you might have some light to shed on this case."

"Personally, I don't know anything else about the card. You might want to ask some Yankees fans."

"Thanks, Mrs. White." I grabbed my coat and headed for the door.

"You're welcome Mister… uh… I mean Dick."

I was down on my luck. I usually don't discuss sports in mixed company. Everyone I ever talked about baseball with has been an Athletics fan, like myself. I decided to go back to my office. I figured Joey might know some Yankees fans; she knows everyone in town.

"Joey?"

"What is it, Dick? Want some more coffee?"

"Now that you mention it…And by the way, you know any people who are Yankees fans?"

"Why yes. My mother buys season tickets every year. She takes Rachel with her."

I should really give that girl a raise. Mrs. Patricia Peacock (Joey's Mom) was the wealthiest person in town. Only she could afford the tickets and air travel needed for both herself and her friend to attend every Yankees home game. As for Miss Rachel Peach, well, being a beggar is her job and she does it well. Pat was on vacation at the time, but Rachel wasn't. I went over to her house. (By "house", I mean "makeshift floor, ceiling, and walls that she lives in".)

"Brown, what brings you here?" she said, looking humiliated at the condition of her house in the presence of company.

"Looking for a lost baseball card. You seen it?"

"No. It's probably still in Plum's house. After all, baseball cards don't just get up an walk away?"

I was on to something, and I knew it!

"Whoever said it was Plum's?"

Rachel, with unnerving confidence, said, "My father called and told me everything. Said he heard it from you."

"Right." I said sheepishly. I promptly excused myself.

I decided to go back to my office. Surely Joey knew someone other than Pat or Rachel who might have done it. That's when a new thought arose: "Maybe my secretary is the perpetrator." It wasn't out of the question. She hardly had anything to say while Peter was here. Maybe she wanted a souvenir for her mother. I told myself if Joey stole Plum's card, she would regret it. I wouldn't fire her (I can't afford to), but when I was finished with her, she'd quit without a doubt. I kept thinking of ways to torture Joey while I was walking. Man, was I hot when I finally got there.

"There's a message for you, Dick."

So much for being hot. "Thank you, Joey." I just couldn't bring myself to destroy that sweet girl.

The message was from Rachel. "I just realized, you only suspected me because I join Mrs. Peacock for the Yankees every year. I'm appalled that you would discriminate against me like that. I just called to say, you are no longer welcome in my house."

At that point, everything came together. "Miss Scarlet, hold my calls!"

"You just got in! Where are you going?"

"To pick up a thief, baby!"

I was packing my piece, but I didn't think I'd need it. I knocked on Rachel's door and it promptly fell in. I know she said I wasn't welcome anymore, but this time I had a warrant for her arrest. "See you in 6 months! Don't forget to write!" I said as Miss Peach was being taken away.

Back at the office, Joey asked how I knew it was Rachel. "Withholding information," I said. "She claimed she got all her info about the card from what I told her father. However, I never told M. Brunette that Plum's card was Babe Ruth rookie. I never even mentioned a team."

Plum got his card back. I found it mounted on Rachel's "wall". I had to remind him about the charity auction that day. The auction was a big success. The card ended up going to…surprise…Peter Plum. He obviously forgot that card was his already. And he said that was the one thing he would never forget!


	2. Tagging, You're It!

**The Cluedoville Files**

**Case #2: Tagging, you're it!**

"What happened here?"

That's what I said to myself on my way to work today. I always pass by the home of Miss Rachel Peach during my commute. Rachel has truckloads of class, for a hobo, I mean. Her house is a palace among the folks in her income group, even though it is mostly cardboard and scrap metal. But today it looked just like any other ghetto building, with graffiti and everything. It was surprising that Rachel's house would be tagged like that; she usually is a great housekeeper. Then I remembered that she's still in jail for stealing Professor Peter Plum's Babe Ruth rookie baseball card.

When I got to my office, I was even more surprised to see Miss Peach already there. Her clothes were rags (as they always were), but somehow Rachel made them look beautiful.

"Rachel," I said in confusion. "What are you doing out of the big house? I thought you still had four more months!"

"They let me out based on good behavior," she responded with sincerity. "Besides, I need your services."

"Let me guess…you want me to find the scoundrel who tagged your house."

"How'd you know?"

"I saw the damage on the way here. I offer my condolences. I'll get right on the case. You know my fee."

The first thing I chose to do was to revisit the crime scene and examine the damage. The message was written in white spray paint. Whoever the vandal is, he or she has better handwriting than I do. The message read "GET A JOB, YOU BUM!" It's clear this guy has something against my friend being unemployed. I had seen the place yesterday and it was clean. Whatever happened must have happened last night after 11:00 p.m. My secretary, Miss Josephine Scarlet usually stays up till 2 in the morning. I went to ask Joey if she saw anything last night. When I got back to my office, I found her there, typing away.

"Miss Scarlet, you don't mind telling me where you were last night, do you?"

She had a very unnerving look of suspicion when I asked her that. "Why?"

"It's important to the case, dear."

"Very well. Last night I was at the pool hall. Mustard and Rose were with me. Maybe one of them is the perp."

Where does she get those great ideas? Colonel Michael Mustard is a real stick in the mud. He has always been jealous of Rachel's house, and how nice it looked. Mike and I were good friends, but he hasn't spoken to me since the released me from the army for having flat feet. Mike insists on being called Colonel, even though he was only a second lieutenant. I decided to call him.

"Colonel Mustard here."

"Mike, it's me, Dick."

"Who are you calling 'Mike,' maggot? You are speaking to a senior officer!"

"Not now, Lieutenant; I'm on the job. I need to know where you were last night."

"I was at the pool hall with Sam and that secretary of yours. I went straight home at 2345 hours precisely. Why do you ask?"

"Last night, someone defaced the property of one Rachel Peach."

"How could anyone deface that scum beggar's cardboard box? Whoever it is must be more intelligent than I!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

I had to walk to Madame Samantha Rose's place in order to contact her; she doesn't own a phone. Sam was another good friend of mine. She failed a physics course in college (taught by one Professor Plum), and since then has sought to disprove all science. If you haven't figured it out already, Sam is insane. This explains why she is a fortuneteller by trade. No one I know uses Sam's services; whoever does is probably just as crazy as she is. But, I digress.

I am never quite comfortable in Sam's place. The beads covering the entrance, the black lights, and the general vibe of the joint, it's all so…well…bizarre.

"Welcome to the realm of Madam Rose. Shall I see into your future?"

"Save it, Sam. I don't believe in that malarkey."

In a flash, the mysterious tone in her voice disappeared. "Then why are you here, Dick? Come to give me a hard time?"

"I need to know where you were last night; I'm looking for the crooked person who tagged on Rachel's house."

"That pile of cardboard and scrap metal which that bum calls home? I know nothing about it. I went straight home from the pool hall at 2:50 a.m."

"Thank you Sam."

As I was returning to my office, I bumped into my old adversary, Sergeant Robert Gray. He seems to think his only purpose in life is to get on my nerves. If that's true, then what's Bob going to do when I die? I think he's jealous of how I get paid case by case while he earns an hourly wage.

"Yo, Dick! How's the rent-a-cop biz treating you?"

"Bob, you know very well why you are not a comic."

"Whoa, who turned up the AC? It's cold in here!"

"That's enough, Bob. Do you mind telling me were you were last night?"

"If this is about the graffiti on Rachel's house, you know I couldn't have done it. You've been to my apartment, and you know I don't own any spray paint. So, what does it matter were I was?"

"Good point."

In retrospect, I don't think I should have been swayed by Bob's speech. Anyway, I was completely clueless. I had two legitimate suspects, and they both had alibis. That's when it hit me. Joey was at the pool hall last night, so she could verify when these guys left for home. How have I come to depend on that girl so much? Man, was I surprised to hear her answer to the question.

"I spent the whole time playing pool. I didn't see anyone come or go."

Rats, mice, roaches, and other vermin! I had absolutely nothing to go on. I was ashamed that for the first time in my career, I couldn't solve the case. What was I going to tell Rachel? I couldn't live with myself if she forever held me accountable for the words "GET A JOB, YOU BUM!" on her house. Then, like a bolt of lightning, the answer came to me!

"Joey, hold my calls; I'm on my way to bust a vandal!"

This time, I knew I'd need my .45 Magnum with me. Madame Rose couldn't predict a bullet coming at her if her life depend…oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, Sam was more than happy to come quietly, as long as I didn't put her out of business, permanently. How did I know it was Sam and not Mike? The graffiti read "GET A JOB, YOU BUM!" Madame Rose is the only of my two suspects who calls my good friend a "bum". If the "Colonel" was the vandal, it would have read "GET A JOB, YOU SCUM!"

Madame Rose was offered a lighter sentence if she cleaned up the graffiti and formally apologized to Rachel; she took that offer. Now Sam is only serving 2 months in prison. Rachel's house is once again a palace amongst the poor. Miss Peach told me she'd pay my fee at the earliest opportunity, which shouldn't be to long. And to end this tale on a good note, I gave Joey a raise.


	3. How to Kidnap Yourself

**The Cluedoville Files**

**Case #3: How to kidnap yourself**

Time crawls like a snail when you have nothing to do. It felt like months since I last had a case, even though it was really only two weeks. My secretary, Miss Josephine Scarlet, was just as bored. At one point, we were so bored; we spent the entire day flicking balls of lint as if they were soccer balls. After what seemed like forever, we had a visitor. It was District Attorney Blanche White.

"Mr. Brown, I need your services right away; it's an emergency!"

She grabbed me by the arm and dragged me 7 blocks to her office at City Hall. It looked the same as it always did, so I gave Mrs. White a confused look.

"My niece, Wendy, is visiting me for the week. I brought her to work with me today. I told her to stay in my office until I got back. When I did return, she was gone!" Blanche seemed to say all this without pausing for air. I'm not sure how she could have, because I was out of breath.

"Mrs. White, calm down, please," I said, gasping. "I'm sure Wendy is just fine. She can take care of herself." That's when I noticed a strange scrap of orange paper on her desk. I examined it; it was a note from Wendy. "See, what did I tell you?"

The note read "Dear Aunt Blanche, I know you told me not to move from your office, but I just got a little antsy. I found someone who said he would show me around the town, and I went with him. I'll be home by 7:00 tonight. Love, Wendy."

At this, Counselor White became very scared and very paranoid. I reassured her and boldly stated that I would find Wendy. I normally don't offer my services free of charge, but in this case I had to make an exception.

The lights in City Hall work just fine. Whoever is with Wendy must be a male, because he is referred to as male in the note. Also in the note was a guarantee that she would return by 7:00, so wherever they are, Wendy wants to be there. I know the kid very well; Wendy loves knowledge more than anything else on the planet. So the first place I looked was the town library. There I found the Reverend Jonathan Green reading something (I forgot what it was).

"John, it's nice to see you. How are you?"

He responded with a start, shutting his book. "Just fine, Richard. What's new with you?"

"I'm looking for Wendy White. She was with her aunt this morning, but now she's missing. Seen her recently?"

"Why, yes. Wendy stepped in here not to long ago. She searched the stacks, checked out a book, and then left."

Excellent, I thought to myself. "Did you see anyone with her?"

"No. She came in alone."

Nuts. "Thanks, Reverend."

"See you on Sunday, Richard!"

Clearly my Mr. X had waited outside while Wendy searched the library. What was also obvious is that this guy is doing whatever that spunky little girl wants. Surely this mystery man means her no harm. But, when I tried to tell Mrs. White what I found out, she just screamed into the telephone and said "Find my niece, or else!" I couldn't win. I had no idea who was escorting Wendy around town, and until I found out that information, Blanche wouldn't believe a word I said. I decided to go back to my office and recompile my thoughts. I was utterly confused when I saw Sergeant Robert Gray standing next to Joey.

"Hey, Dickey boy, now I'm beginning to understand why you got into this business. Whistles "

"Get away from me, you pig!" If there's one thing you don't do to Miss Scarlet, it's whistling at her, unless you like bleeding from the lips. When Joey was finished with him, he looked like he fell from an 80-story building and landed on a bed of nails. I almost didn't want to interrogate him, but you have to do what you have to do.

"All right, Bob, tell me what you know about the disappearance of Wendy White before my new bodyguard gets upset again."

He was more than happy to comply. "Last I saw her; she was walking to the university. There was a bald man with her, and they were both smiling."

"Thanks, man." In an instant I knew the identity of Wendy's escort. I ran to the university like a rocket blasting off into space. I went directly to the classroom of Professor Peter Plum, expecting to find Wendy. Well, Plum was there, but Wendy was MIA.

"Okay, Plum. Where's Wendy?"

"I don't know! I was showing her around town today, but now I can't find her anywhere!"

Perfect. Just perfect. "Do you remember anything about what happened before she vanished?"

"She said something about being sick and tired of academics, then she took off and I lost her."

I smiled. I knew exactly where to find that little runaway. Where does a student go when she's bored of academics? The gym, of course! And sure enough, there she was, shooting hoops.

"Hi Wendy," I said. "What are you doing here?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she said with a sneer.

"It looks like you're running away from the adults in charge."

"So? I can take care of myself!"

"You know your aunt Blanche is worried about you. She thinks you've been abducted."

She dropped the ball and gave me a look. "By aliens?"

"No, by criminals. She believes someone might do terrible things to you. Why don't you go home and ease her mind?"

She crossed her arms and turned away from me. "Why should I? She doesn't care about me."

"Then what do you think I'm here for? Class?"

She had to agree with what I had said. "All right, I'll come," she said reluctantly.

When I brought Wendy back to her aunt, the DA thanked me and nearly squeezed me to death, and then she gave her niece the rebuke of her life, I tell you what. Wendy burst into tears as she was being scolded.

"Why are you always yelling at me?" she managed between sobs. "You never let me do anything I want!"

"I'm not doing it to be mean. I'm doing it for your protection. I love you Wendy and I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

Wendy looked up. Her frown was beginning to become a smile. "Aunt Blanche," she began, "You had me at 'I love you.'"

They embraced, crying like babies. I was beginning to tear up too, which is why I left when I did. What a day it had been; all I wanted to do was go home and go to sleep. Unfortunately, it was only 3:00 p.m. Oh well, that's life.


	4. Baby Bang

**The Cluedoville Files**

**Case #4: Baby Bang**

I wasn't expecting anything unusual to happen today when I got up. Then again, I never do. When I get to my office, my secretary, Miss Josephine Scarlet, is usually there already, doing her job, as only she knows how. Today, she wasn't there yet. Not that I was upset or anything; she doesn't have to be there until 9:00 am. It just took me by surprise, that's all.

Anyway, Joey did eventually come to work. When she walked…no…staggered in, Miss Scarlet had a rather dazed expression on her face. Her hair was a mess, and she looked like she could have an emotional breakdown at the drop of a hat. As a matter of fact, I did drop my hat, and she did break down.

"Richard," Joey began amid tears, "I know I'm your employee, but I need you to treat me as a customer today."

Scarlet is a very good friend of mine, and if she needed my services, I was more than happy to oblige. "What's the case?" I asked.

"I'm pregnant."

For a long time after she spoke, neither of us said anything. Then I jumped in.

"How did this happen?"

"I'm not quite sure. I remember going to the bar last night. I remember being very drunk. I woke up this morning in the alley without my clothes. I ran home, got dressed, and then used my home pregnancy test before coming to work. The test came out positive. I was obviously raped by someone at the bar, but I can't remember who it was. Will you help me?"

"Of course I will! I'll take my fee out of your salary." Hey, I have to pay the rent too, right?

I decided to visit the bar to see what went down last night. The Cluedoville bar is also a restaurant; they don't start serving alcohol until 7:00 p.m. The bartender, a green girl by the name of Maxine Meadow-Brook, should have seen everything.

"Dick Brown! Good to see you again! To what do I owe the pleasure?" Max spoke with her disturbingly masculine voice.

"My secretary was raped last night somewhere near here, and now she's pregnant. I'm looking for the jerk that did all this. Can you tell me what happened here last night, Max?"

"Certainly. I saw Joey in here, and man, was she _wasted! _I remember she said 'You are one strange looking man, Max!' Then there was this man who took her outside. About an hour later, he came back inside, bragging about how he nailed Miss Scarlet. He was wearing a mask, so I couldn't see his face. However, his voice told me the pig's identity: Sergeant Robert Gray."

"Thank you Maxine!" I remember Bob making a pass at Joey before. He is notorious for having one-night stands with women, but he never raped anybody before. I ran to Gray's pad as fast as I could. I knocked, and he answered promptly. He was in his robe eating ice cream from the carton.

"How are you doing, Dick?" he asked a little too politely for my taste.

"The question here, Bob, is this: Whom were you doing last night?"

At this, the Sergeant began to blush. "Ah…who wants to know?"

"A very pregnant Josephine Scarlet, you disgusting pig!" Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

"Joey is carrying a child? How did this happen?"

"She went to the bar last night, and got very drunk." You're giving him too much info, Dick. "She woke up in the alley, naked." Shut up, you dumbnik! "Max the bartender saw it happen, and says you bragged about raping the poor defenseless girl." Now look what you've done!

"I've never been too that bar in my life. I don't know anyone named Max. She must have been hallucinating; she works with alcohol for a living."

Maybe he was telling the truth. He usually picks up women at the library (of all places).

"But if you didn't rape her, who did?"

"I wouldn't put this deplorable act past Monsieur Alexander Brunette."

Gray had a point. For the past seven months, M. Brunette's record was clean, a little too clean for a master con artist. It had been three months since I visited Alex and I was planning to do it anyway. As was the case every other time I visited, I found him working on his "hot" body with his "hot" home gym.

"Richard, it's been a while," Alex said in his standard issue over-flattering voice.

"Yeah, whatever. My secretary was raped last night and now she's pregnant. Max the bartender saw Joey at the bar then and witnessed her rape. But you wouldn't now anything about that now would you?"

"I'm sure Max saw Joey being raped. I'll bet he's the one who defiled her!"

"Maxine Meadow-Brook impregnated Josephine Scarlet?"

"Oh, Max is a woman? I didn't know that. I've never been to the bar in my life."

"Of course not, or you would know Max was a woman!"

"Yes, I just said that Rich…Where are you going?"

"No time to explain, Alex. Call my office; we'll do lunch."

I knew it had to be Gray, so I grabbed him and dragged him to the clinic where Joey was awaiting the results of her exam.

"I still don't understand," he began, "How did you know I raped her last night?"

"You said you didn't know anyone named Max, but you called her a 'she' and not a 'he'. You obviously knew that her name was Maxine and not Maximillion. But one question remains unanswered: What on earth were you thinking, you idiot?"

"I'm sorry. I was just as drunk as she was, if not more. But I'm going to do what's right and take responsibility for my own stupidity."

Just then, Miss Scarlet walked into the waiting room. She looked me right in the eyes. "Is this the jerk who raped me?"

"Yes, ma'am. I'm going to make sure he takes good care of you and your baby."

"Well," she said, beginning to smile, "there's no need for that. I'm not pregnant!"

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" There was no denying Bob's elation at the news. However, he still has to be sentenced for his horrid act of sexual perversion. I let Joey take a week off to recover, but to my surprise, she was back at her desk the next day. And just like every day before, Miss Scarlet was early.


	5. Desperately Seeking Scorpio

The Cluedoville Files Case #5: Desperately Seeking Scorpio 

It was noon, on a day like any other here in Cluedoville, North Dakota. I was having lunch with Miss Josephine Scarlet, my loyal secretary/bodyguard. She said something about bringing her relatives over to visit, when I noticed the Reverend Jonathan Green out walking his dog, Matthew. It had always puzzled me as to why John kept a Doberman as a pet. I got up from my table and decided to go over there and ask him.

"Dick, where are you going?" Joey asked as she chased after me.

"Good morning, Richard!" John said as I approached him. At that point Matthew growled at Joey and me. "Matthew! Cut it out!"

"John, there's something I've been wanting to ask you: why on earth do you have, uh, Matthew as a pet?"

"He keeps me and my house 100 secure."

Joey retorted "Why not just get a security system? It has the same effect, and you don't have to feed it."

John and I chuckled. What? It was funny! Anyway, just then that creepy fortune teller Madame Samantha Rose walked by, stroking her cat, Scorpio. I hadn't seen or heard from her since she was imprisoned for tagging on Miss Peach's house. Had it been two months already? And she wasn't dressed in her usual costume either; she wore a rose T-shirt and matching slacks. Anyway, Matthew got one look at Scorpio, and he broke out of his collar and charged right at Sam.

"Matthew! No! Get back here! Bad dog!"

Scorpio leapt out of Sam's hands and ran down a dark alley, with Matthew in hot pursuit. Sam chased after them, followed by John, then me, and finally Joey. The animals came to a dead end, and before Matthew could lay a claw on that poor kitten, Sam scooped her up. She looked sternly at the reverend.

"That dog of yours in a menace to our fair city!" she scolded.

John looked at her apologetically. "I'm so very sorry," he said.

John grabbed Matthew by the back of his neck and dragged him home. Sam took her cat and went the opposite direction. Just a half a second later some man came down the alley right toward us. He was holding a piece of paper in his hand and he looked tired and angry all at the same time.

"Forget something, Dick?" he said as he handed me the paper. I smacked myself in the head when I saw what it was.

"I'm so sorry" I said as I paid for our lunch. I gave the guy a 150 tip, partly because I felt sorry for him, but mostly because I didn't want him to hurt me.

The next day at the office, things were as normal as they get around here. Around 11:00 am, Sam walked in, looking unkempt and super pissed.

"Dick, I need your help to get my cat back!"

"Happy to oblige," I said when she laid two sawbucks on my desk. "What happened?"

"Do you remember yesterday when Reverend Green's dog attacked my poor kitty?" I said that I did. "Well, Scorpie got away from me today and I can't find her. I'm afraid that mean Doberman is going to kill her!"

"Okay, calm down. Where were you when the cat got away?"

"I was outside the bar."

Was this lucky or what? Maxine Meadow-Brook, the bartender, had the sharpest eyes of anyone in Cluedoville. Naturally, she would have seen what happened. All three of us ran over there as fast as we could.

"Hello there Dick, Joey, Sam," she said in her disturbingly masculine voice.

"Where's my baby kitty?" Sam asked, obviously still in hysterics.

"Oh, I saw Scorpio get out of your hands and run into the alley behind the bar."

"Yeah, I chased after her there, but I couldn't find her!"

"She must have been hiding from you, because as soon as you left, Scorpio emerged from the alley. I offered her a saucer of milk outside, and she drank it. Sometime after that, Green's dog showed up."

At the mention of Matthew, Mme. Rose fainted away. Max poured Joey a cup of water, which Joey threw in Sam's face to revive her. We asked Max to continue her story.

"As I was saying, Matthew showed up, and chased the cat right into the reverend's house."

I thanked Max for her unmatched observational skills as Miss Scarlet led us to the parsonage. When we got there, Sam charged at John and tackled him.

"Where's my cat?"

"What are you talking about, Madame?"

"Don't toy with me, Green! Max saw Scorpio being chased into your house by your dog! Don't deny that it's true!"

John stammered "I…I'm not den…denying anything!"

"Another denial!" Sam screamed.

"All right, it's true. Scorpio was chased in here by my dog. But she ran back out again!"

"Prove it!" demanded Mme. Rose.

"I will as soon as you get off of me!" John groaned.

Sam got off the reverend, who in turn got off the floor and led us to the backyard. He showed us three boxes arranged like a staircase. "She bounded up these boxes and over the fence. Matthew was going to chase after her, but I grabbed him and stopped him."

"A likely story!" accused Sam.

"Her footprints are on the boxes! See for yourself."

Sam, Joey, and I looked at the boxes. There were twelve paw prints on the boxes. Each one showed all five toes.

"I guess he's telling the truth," Sam said, "But I am still very mad at you!"

"For what?"

"For letting my baby go out into the wild, you insensitive jerk!" And with that, Sam punched the reverend so hard that he hit the ground, unconscious.

"Sam, go home and chill out. I know where your cat is and I will bring him to your house."

"Uh, Dick," Joey said, "Scorpio is a girl"

"Right. What did I say? Never mind that, we'll stay here until John wakes up."

When he did, his head was spinning. "What happened?"

"The game's up, John. I know you're hiding Scorpio, and you're going to tell me where she is."

"I told you, I'm not hiding that stupid cat!"

"Oh, really?" I said sarcastically. "You held the cat by her hind legs, and dipped her front paws into a muddy spot. Then, you walked her up the staircase you made so she would leave paw prints on it, making it look like she jumped over your fence!"

"You can't prove that I did any of that!"

"Every one of the paw prints on those boxes had five toes. Cats have five toes on only their front paws. Their back paws have only four toes."

"Really? I didn't know that."

"And that lack of knowledge was your one fatal mistake! Now, I'm not going to ask you again. Where's Sam's cat?"

"I already told you, I don't know where she is!"

"Joey, tear his arms off, please."

"Yes, sir," Joey said.

"Okay, I am hiding Scorpio! I hid her in the pantry! Please don't hurt me!"

"When you ask so politely, of course!" said Miss Scarlet as I went to the pantry and got Scorpio. I brought her to Sam's place later that day. She thanked me and offered to read my palm for free. I told her I had to pass. But there was still one thing I didn't understand. Why did Reverend Green lie about hiding the cat? Well, I guess that question will remain unanswered.

Until next time…


	6. Driving Mrs Peacock crazy

**The Cluedoville Files** **Case #6: Driving Mrs. Peacock…crazy.**

I arrived at the office earlier than I needed to, as usual, and began to brew up a pot of coffee. The coffee is for me, primarily, but Dick seems to like it too, so I figured, why not? (For those of you who aren't detectives and haven't figured it out already, I'm Miss Josephine Scarlet, Dick's secretary. This case is told from my point of view.) It was a typical day in Cluedoville, North Dakota, except that Dick didn't arrive at his usual time. I decided to call his place and see what was up.

"Richard Brown, Private Investigator, how can I help you?" came a rather groggy and nasal voice.

"Dick, it's Joey. Why aren't you here?"

"Oh, I'm sorry; I think I'm coming down with something. Dr. Silver said I should stay in bed for today. Can you handle…?"

"I'm way ahead of you, Dick. Get well soon! Bye."

I never want him to know this, but I've seen the way Dick operates, and it doesn't seem all that hard to solve these cases. I was 100 certain I could handle any customers who came in today. At around 1:00 pm I got my chance to prove my smarts when my mother, Mrs. Patricia Peacock, waltzed into the office with a distraught look on her face.

"Josephine, my dear!" she squealed as she gripped me in a tight embrace. "Where's Richard? I need his services right away!"

"The Inspector is out sick today, Mom. I'm filling in for him. What's up?"

"Well, just this morning I invited all my friends over for breakfast. You've met them all, right, dear?"

I had. Her friends included but were not limited to the following: Mrs. Blanche White, Miss Rachel Peach, Colonel Michael Mustard, and Professor Peter Plum. Oh, and Rusty Naylor, the gardener.

"Anyway, we were all enjoying a nice conversation, and the subject turned to automobiles. Then Rusty suggested that he take my guests for a nice drive through the country. I thought it was a most fantastic idea. I told them they could use any of my cars, except the new PT Cruiser."

I remembered when she bought that car. I asked her if I could try it out but she wouldn't let me. Apparently she won't let anyone drive the PT Cruiser. I just had to know why.

"I only bought the car because I plan to resell it. It's more of an investment really. I don't even drive it myself."

"Well, I guess that explains a lot. Continue."

"So, Rusty took the others out to the garage, and they went ahead and made off with the PT Cruiser, after I deliberately told them not to!"

"And you wanted Dick's help in finding out whose stupid idea it was to take the car."

"No, I wanted him to find out who crashed it!"

"Wait, what?" I said much louder than I probably should have.

"I got a call from the lot of them, saying they ran into a tree and asking me to come pick them up. The audacity of those five!"

"Okay, okay, where are these guys now?"

"I left them back at my place."

We high tailed it back to Peacock estate. As my mother had told me, the usual suspects where lined up for questioning. Blanche, Rachel, Mike, Pete, and Rusty all looked nervous and guilty. I decided the best person to interrogate first would be the mastermind of this whole plot: Rusty.

"Okay, Joey, here's what I know happened," he said. "All of us went to the garage, then I told them it didn't matter which car they chose, as long as I drove. They started to protest, but I quieted the mob with 'Ah, Ah, Ah! I have the key!'

"At that point, Rachel called 'SHOTGUN!' Then Mike said 'I simply must have a seat by the window.' Pete said 'I too must have a window seat. Otherwise, I tend to get carsick.' In a whiny voice, Blanche said 'Fine, I'll sit in the middle.' I could tell she had stepped on Mike's toes as we got in.

"So we pulled out of the driveway, and Pat saw us. She screamed something at us, and Mike flicked her off. We were just out of Pat's line of sight when the car screeched to a halt. Everybody was really confused, but I soon learned what happened."

"Let me guess," I said. "The thing ran out of gas."

Rusty looked a little embarrassed. "Yeah. So, Mike and Rachel hiked almost half a mile both ways to get some gas. Then we piled into the car, and I was about to step into the driver's seat, but Rachel stepped in my way. 'Oh no, you don't! You got us into this mess, and you are not going to screw up again!'

"But right about there is were my memory gets fuzzy. I don't even remember how we crashed into that stupid tree. I'm sorry; I wish I could give you more info."

I thanked Mr. Naylor. The next person I chose to speak with was Blanche. She began to tell the whole story, but I told her, "Just start from when Rachel took the wheel, okay?"

"Okay," she said. "Well, Miss Peach gave Rusty a talking to, and then we were off. We had barely gone 7 miles when we heard a massive explosion. The Colonel hit the ground, screaming 'Incoming!' As it turns out, Rachel had rolled over a box of tacks and blew out the left front tire. It was decided that we would all go back to Pat's place as soon as we changed the tire. However, there was a disagreement as to who should drive on the way home. Let's just say nobody was sitting in the same seat as before.

"The driver made a U-turn, and we were on our way back. I remember the driver arguing with Mike as to which radio station we should listen to. Mike changed it to an Oldies station, the driver put it back, they kept going back and forth, and the next thing you know we crashed into a tree. After that, the whole thing was kind of a blur."

I had the entire story, except for who was driving. And the rest of the suspects didn't give me much info either. Pete didn't remember anything. Rachel said she sat next to Rusty, who refused to sit in the middle. And all that the Colonel remembered was that he was sitting next to a woman when the crash happed.

It was at this point that I realized I was in way over my head with this case. _Dick could figure this out if he were here._ I thought to myself. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I got the Private Eye on the horn and told him all that I had.

"Oh, come on, Joey. This case is too easy. Mike was riding shotgun, because he was messing with the radio. He was sitting next to a woman, who was also the driver. Rachel sat in the back, next to Rusty, who refused to sit in the middle. The only other female is the one who crashed your mom's car!"

This is why he gets his name on the door and I make the coffee. Mrs. White could have lost her job if my mother had pressed charges. Instead, Blanche agreed to pay for the repair work and Patricia forgave her. Oh, and don't worry about Dick, he got his deuce and his health back. It was just another average day in Cluedoville, North Dakota. Nothing unusual ever happens here.

Until next time…


	7. Hidden Talents

The Cluedoville Files Case #7: Hidden Talents 

Okay, I'm feeling much better now, readers. Did you miss me? All right, pleasantries aside, let's get to my next case.

It began at a gathering at Mrs. Patricia Peacock's estate. Almost everyone I knew was there, but I'm not going to list them all here. Why we were all called there, I wasn't quite sure. I figured that now would be a good time to get some answers to my unanswered questions. I sought out the Reverend Jonathan Green. It surprised me that he was wearing his full clerical outfit. I asked him one simple question: "Why did you hide Scorpio from Madame Samantha Rose?"

"To tell you the truth, Scorpio hissed at my dog, Matthew, and he ran away with his tail between his legs. I just couldn't live with myself knowing that my home security system was on the fritz, so to speak."

"That's okay," I said. What I didn't say was "I think you're being a little silly about that." Later I found Miss Rachel Peach. She was wearing the least tattered pink dress I had ever seen on her. This was no doubt her version of "dressing up for the occasion." Her motive for stealing Professor Peter Plum's Babe Ruth rookie baseball card was still a mystery. So I asked her about it.

"Look, I really wanted that card more than anything," she said on the brink of crying. "But you know about my income. The only way I could get it was to steal it. I'm really sorry I did."

"Well, you know what they say," I offered in attempt to comfort her. "Crime just doesn't pay."

Mme. Rose came up to me shortly after my talk with Rachel. She was in her fortune-telling uniform, with the semi-transparent scarf with sequins, the ornate hair wrap, etc. I simply had to know, "Why did you vandalize Rachel's house?"

"I don't know. I guess I was jealous of how happy she always seemed to be, even though she had no gainful employment." She looked to me to be extremely distant and indifferent as she said that.

After Sam left to powder her nose, Mrs. Peacock called for us to assemble in the living room. Maybe now I can find out what I was called her for, I thought to myself.

"I bet you all are wondering why I asked you to come," Pat said. "As some of you have seen, there is an iron bar that is constantly kept hot by the fire in my fire place." I had always wondered what that bar was for. "I suggest those who have weak stomachs please look away."

To the absolute shock of everyone gathered (myself included), Patricia gabbed the white-hot iron bar with both hands. I expected her to wince in pain or something. Yet, she did nothing of the sort.

"It is my firm belief that all human beings have some sort of hidden talent. This is my hidden talent."

"What?" asked Monsieur Alexander Brunette in a sarcastic tone of voice. "Masochism?"

"No, you silly buffoon!" Pat exclaimed. "The palms of my hands can withstand temperatures up to 600 degrees Fahrenheit. I have what are called 'hot hands'."

With that, she turned to the beautiful swan ice sculpture sitting on the coffee table, placed her now white-hot hands on it, and it melted in a matter of seconds. We just couldn't help but applaud. Presently, Mme. Rose was coming out of the bathroom.

"What did I miss?" she asked.

"Just my mother melting an ice sculpture with her bare hands!" Miss Josephine Scarlet said.

"Anyway," Pat was finishing up. "This is why I brought you all here. You now know my hidden talent, I want to see yours."

And the people were more than happy to show her. Joey stood up and, I won't say she lifted the coffee table over her head single-handedly, but using only one hand, she did lift it a good five or six inches off the ground. Alex demonstrated his ability to speak at a faster rate than any of us could even read. John made us all dizzy when he ran around the entire Peacock estate three times in one minute flat. Sam showed us all a very difficult Russian dance that I couldn't spell for the life of me (ka-ZOT-skee). Pete made like Rainman with some very rapid solutions to math problems. Rachel seemed to use cat-like reflexes to dodge or catch just about anything we threw at her. Colonel Michael Mustard stepped up to the mound and pitched fastballs averaging 100 mph. Mrs. Blanche White gave us all the heebie-jeebies with her contortionism routine. And Sergeant Robert Gray made Rubik's Cube dance before our very eyes.

Then it was my turn. "I'm sorry I don't have any hidden talents," I said. Okay, the truth was I did have a hidden talent, but I wanted it to stay hidden. And if you think I'm going to tell you what my hidden talent is, you better think again!

Fast forward to the next day at the office. It was a typical day like any other, the sun was up, and the sky was blue, nothing out of the ordinary. Around 10:00 am, Alex walked in. He laid four fins on my desk.

"I need you to find the person who stole the apple tree out of my front yard!" he said. It was all Joey and I could do to keep from laughing. "Go ahead," Brunette said. "Laugh, after all, it's funny." And so we did.

When the laughter subsided, I asked M. Brunette about the tree. He said he and his first love carved their names there. He said look for a tree with "Alex Rita" on it. I had to laugh once again.

"Alex Rita, Alexandria, get it?"

Anyway, I was off and looking around town, and I came to Mike's house. It was different than I remember; the paint was fading, and there was an apple tree growing there that wasn't there before. _Something's not right _I thought to myself. I knocked on the phony colonel's door, which faced east.

"What do you want, Dick?"

"Do you realize that M. Brunette's favorite apple tree is growing in your yard?"

"I had no idea he liked my tree so much," he said, with fake wonder on his face.

"It's not your tree, Mike. It belongs to Alex."

"It's growing on my land, therefore it's my tree."

"It's only on your land because you planted it there after you uprooted it from his yard."

"Don't be ridiculous! That tree has been there for years!"

I examined the base of the tree. There was grass growing on the spot around it. Yet I saw "Alex Rita" carved it the tree's bark. There was moss on the right-hand side of the tree, facing away from the door to Mike's house.

"You see," Mustard continued, "M. Brunette actually vandalized my apple tree. That's why it has that carving in it."

"I would believe your story, lieutenant, if I couldn't prove it was false, which I can!"

"How's that?" Mike started to sweat.

"You say this tree has been growing in your yard for years, when in reality, you dug this tree out of Alex's yard, planted it in your own, and planted fresh grass over the spot where you dug to cover your tracks!"

"There's no proof!"

"Oh, there isn't? The moss is growing on the wrong side of the tree. If it had been there for years, the moss would have grown on the north side of the tree, not the south side. You planted the tree backwards."

The "Colonel" would not go down without a fight. "How do you know that the moss isn't indeed growing on the north side of this tree?" he asked.

"That, Michael, is my hidden talent. I always know which way is north."

Ashamed of his mistake, Mike dug up the tree and brought it back to M. Brunette's place. He even replanted it himself, making sure the moss was on the north side. Alex was impressed with my hidden talent. He insisted I show it off. I agreed. I was blindfolded and tied to a spinning chair. Miss Scarlet spun me around as hard as she could. When I finally stopped being dizzy, I then pointed northward. I hit the mark nine time out of ten, but only because I vomited on the tenth spin. Oh, well, that's life.


	8. All That Glitters

The Cluedoville Files Case #8: All that Glitters

"Have you seen my dagger anywhere?"

The dagger that Miss Josephine Scarlet was referring to used to belong to her father, James Scarlet. It was ornate and encrusted with rubies and diamonds. It is also the first of only 8 registered weapons in all of Cluedoville, North Dakota.

"I thought you took that thing home with you a week ago."

"Yeah, I did, but now I can't find it!" Clearly she was in a state of panic.

"Don't worry, Joey. Everyone in town knows that it's your dagger. Someone will find it and bring it back."

When I said that, she was visibly relived. "I hope so."

It was winter on a day like any other in our fair town. I sat down at my desk and started to leaf through the surveillance catalog that came in the mail yesterday. I found several things that our detective agency could make use of. I placed an order right away. It should arrive in a few weeks. But, that has nothing to do with this story, so I'm sorry I brought that up.

Anyway, the day was mostly uneventful until about 3 PM. That's when someone walked in.

"Hey, close the door! You're letting the heat out!" I screamed. He did shut the door. When he took off his jacket, we saw that the stranger was Sergeant Robert Gray. As you might expect, Joey was "thrilled" to see him.

"Stay away from me!" She screamed and put up her dukes.

"Yeah, I guess I deserve that."

"Calm down, Joey," I told Miss Scarlet. "What are you doing here?" I asked the sergeant.

Bob said, "We got a call that Brunette is up to his old tricks again."

"So? That doesn't answer my question."

"I need your help proving that whatever Brunette's selling isn't worth buying."

"Isn't Alex's rap sheet enough proof?" Joey asked.

"No, it isn't," I told her. I turned to Bob. "So why do you need my help?"

"Actually, our informant recommended you."

"Sounds good to me. Let's motor."

I was carrying my .45 Magnum with me, the second of the 8 registered weapons in Cluedoville. There was a massive crowd of people around the bandstand, where Monsieur Alexander Brunette was talking up a storm. It was clear he was selling something; he was speaking in his phony French accent. Only three people in town know that his accent is fake: himself, his daughter, Miss Rachel Peach and I. Speaking of Rachel, she was watching her father's spiel alongside Bob and me. She looked like she hadn't shaved in about a week. How did she get there? I hadn't seen or felt anyone come up beside us.

"I just know he's up to something," she said, almost seething with rage.

"Shh, I'm trying to hear him," I told her.

"Oui, oui, mes ami!" M. Brunette was saying. "My brother has struck gold out in southern California, and I know where to get it!"

"Don't believe him!" It was Rachel! "He's lying to you all. He just wants your money!"

"Hey, how do you know this for a fact?" asked someone from the crowd.

"I'm his daughter, I know all about him and his crooked deals!"

"Pay no attention to my daughter, ladies and gentlemen. She never liked me in her entire life. She would do anything to make me look bad. But let me ask you, would a bad man promise on his mother's grave that he would pay you all back tenfold for your investments?"

"Yes," said another voice from the audience. "And he would break his promise in a heartbeat!" I looked and saw who it was.

"Josephine! What in the world are you doing here?"

"Helping you bring down Brunette, duh!"

"As I was saying, before I was, uh, how you say, so RUDELY interrupted, if you people would hear my story, you would clearly see that I am not lying to you all!

"You see, my brother Alphonse was on a gold digging trip in California with his mule, whom he called Karen. He was searching for days and was just about to pack up and go home when his pick ax struck something hard. It was GOLD!"

"Oh yeah?" Joey said with a tone of sarcasm. "Well, then why didn't Alphonse just load up his mule and take the gold home with him?"

"Because." Alex wasn't giving in. "Because Karen was pregnant at the time, and…"

"I know that feeling," Joey sneered at Bob.

"You weren't even pregnant, Scarlet!" Bob snapped in his own defense.

"AS I WAS SAYING…" Alex screamed at the top of his lungs, "Karen the mule was pregnant, and Alphonse knew she wasn't up to the task of carrying the gold and her baby. So they left the gold behind, but not before he wrote down where the gold was and mailed it to me! By the way, Karen's baby came out healthy, and Alphonse named him Ca-ching!

"And now I come before you today, offering a share in this massive fortune! For a 5 investment, I will guarantee you 50 in gold! So come up and stake your claim, I shall repay you tenfold!"

"Don't believe a word this man says!" Rachel was on the brink of hysterics. "He's a conniving con artist! I only wish there was some way to prove it!"

"There is," I said. "Ladies and gentlemen, this man claims that his brother didn't bring home any gold because his mule was pregnant."

"Oui, she was very with child," M. Brunette said in his fake accent.

"What he doesn't realize is that a mule is the cross of a female horse and a male donkey! Mules simply cannot have young of their own! With this information, you can clearly see that his entire story is false."

When I said that, the crowd dispersed. Alex was visibly angry. He produced his lead pipe, the sixth registered weapon in Cluedoville, and brandished it at me. "Why did you go and do that?" he asked me, this time in his true American accent.

I drew out my pistol and told him, "Put the pipe down and I will tell you." He did as I said. "I was hired to check out what you were up to. Unlike you, I make money off of truth and justice, instead of lies and false stories. Speaking of money, who's going to pay my fee?"

"Hey, don't look at me," Sgt. Gray said. "I hired you because I was told to by my informant."

Suddenly, a mysterious hand gave me an envelope. Inside it was 40 dollars and a note.

"I knew I could count on you to bring down my father's scheme. Come over for dinner anytime you want. Love, Miss Peach."


	9. The Guilty Paw Points South

The Cluedoville Files Case #9: The Guilty Paw Points South 

"Help! Help! I've been stabbed!"

Reverend Jonathan Green's hollering was so loud, that it was heard in the nearby town of Greenberry. But I was sound asleep in my bed when it happened; not even a herd of elephants could wake me up. So, naturally, I had no idea what had happened until John walked into my office the next day. What I saw made me gasp. John had his arm in a sling and gauze wrapped around his shoulder.

"What in the world?" I asked no one in particular.

"Yeah, the reverend was stabbed last night," came the response from my secretary, Miss Josephine Scarlet. "Didn't you hear him scream? It almost woke the dead. But it obviously didn't wake you," she said with a sneer.

"Okay, John, tell me everything"

"I was at the church, preparing for Sunday's service, when someone in a black mask came up to me and said 'This is for everything you've done to me and my family!' Then she produced your secretary's dagger and stabbed me." He demonstrated exactly how he was stabbed, with the left hand to the right shoulder. "Brother Teal came to apply first aid while I dialed 711."

Let me explain 711, because it is exclusively a Cluedoville thing. Here in town we have only one physician, Doctor Abigail Silver. But before she became our local doctor, the nearest medical professional was 100 miles away. If we dialed 911, we would have to wait until said medical professional got here, and by then it might be too late. So we, the people of Cluedoville, North Dakota, developed 711, which is a direct page to Dr. Silver, who is never more than 30 seconds away from anywhere in town. Wow, I think I just wrote the longest sentence is history. Anyway, back to the story.

"So, you want me to find out who stabbed you?"

"I think I already know who it was."

"Who?" Miss Scarlet asked.

"I think it was you, Joey! After all, it was your dagger!"

"But, my dagger has gone missing!" she said in her own defense. "Anyone could have grabbed it and used it against you. Besides, why on earth would I want to stab you? You've been nothing but kind to me and my family."

"Well," John said, "I know this much. My attacker was left-handed."

I smiled. Now we could narrow down the suspects easily. And this case was a great chance for me to use my new surveillance equipment, which just came in yesterday! Without missing a beat I hit the pavement.

The first place I visited was Miss Rachel Peach's house. I was hoping to catch her doing something with her left hand, but she wasn't home. I looked through the window at her dining room table (which was nothing more than a cable spool) and took a picture of what I saw. Next, I went to Mrs. Blanche White's office at city hall. She wasn't there either, but I did get a picture of her office with enough evidence to prove her dominant hand. Finally, I went to Madame Samantha Rose's place. Once again, my suspect wasn't present. But I did get a good shot of her place.

After I got my shots developed, I headed back to the office. Joey was still there, doing her job. I noticed that she always wore her watch on her right wrist. Being a rightie myself, I always wore mine on the left. But, then again, I always knew Joey was left-handed.

I examined the pictures. On Rachel's table I saw a plate of fries with salt and pepper shakers nearby; the pepper was to the left of the salt. In Blanche's office there was a white business suit with a note pinned to it. The note read "SEND TO THE CLEANERS"; the pin's point pointed to the left. At Sam's house, there was a pitcher of milk with a small saucer nearby. Scorpio was licking from the saucer; the pitcher's spout pointed to the right.

I had my suspects, but I still needed a bit more evidence. A simple test would prove my theory of who the guilty party was. I staked out by Madame Rose's place until she came home that afternoon. I followed her in. She was startled when I tapped her on the shoulder.

"Brown! What in the world?"

"Well, hello to you too," I said. "I'm looking for the person who stabbed Reverend Green last night."

"Oh, that's nice. How's it coming?"

"Actually, I'm almost done. I just need your help to confirm who I think it might be."

She gave me a suspicious look, but agreed to help me. I went to her kitchen and came out with a butcher knife.

"I want you to hold this knife at me as if you were going to attack me."

Mme. Rose picked up the knife in her left hand. She gripped the knife with her fingers underneath, and her thumb on top, the way someone would hold a switchblade. She pointed the knife in my direction. "Like this?" she asked.

"Yes," I said, "That's perfect."

I raced back to my office to tell Joey I had solved the case.

"Let me guess, you want me to hold all your calls so you can bust the perp," she said.

"No, Miss Scarlet," I said. "I need you to come downtown with me."

Now, Cluedoville law states that when any person causes injury to another person (i.e. Joey stabbing John) the penalty for said injury shall be at the injured party's discretion (i.e. whatever John wants it to be). Green had Scarlet sentenced to 30 days in a convent in Greenberry. Before she left, John asked me how I knew it was her.

"Easy," I said. "I used my camera to see for myself which hand these people use. I discovered that only two people in all of Cluedoville are southpaws: Joey and Sam. So I used a simple test to see whether it was Miss Scarlet of Mme. Rose. I asked Sam to hold a knife as if she were going to kill me. She held the knife underhanded, like a switchblade, not like a dagger. That proved she was innocent."

"But that still doesn't answer the most important question in any mystery," John said. "Why?"

I didn't quite know that. I guess we will have to wait.

Until next time…


	10. Stealing the Show

The Cluedoville Files Case #10: Stealing the Show 

It was a five hour bus trip to Greenberry. Normally, I don't go this far out of my way, but I had to visit Miss Josephine Scarlet in her nunnery. But I'll bet you're wondering why I took the bus there instead of driving. Well, between you and me, I can't drive. It's a good thing every place in Cluedoville is within walking distance of every other place. The exercise you get is fantastic. I heard that Mrs. Blanche White lost 10 pounds just by running her errands…uh, where was I? Oh, yeah, visiting Joey.

Miss Scarlet was happy to see me, and I was surprised to see what she was wearing.

"What's the matter, Dick? Never seen a nun's habit before?"

"No, but I can honestly say that I have never seen a red one before!"

"You like it? I made it myself."

"Well, I must say, you are an excellent seamstress."

"Thank you. Now, I would like to discuss the big white elephant in the room."

"What elephant?" I asked.

"You came here to find out why I stabbed Reverend Jonathan Green, didn't you?"

"Yeah," I said sheepishly. "I mean, what has he ever done to you?"

"Nothing, that's why it was the prefect alibi," she said.

I cast Joey an obviously confused look. "I don't quite follow."

"I was trying to make it look like Mme. Rose did it."

"Oh, I see, it was a frame-up job. But what did you have against Samantha?"

Her face grew somber. "She said she had information from the spirit world about my father."

"Let me guess, she didn't deliver."

"Bingo."

I said my good-byes and promised her she could have her job back at the end of her sentence, though not without a pay cut. In the meantime, I hired Miss Rachel Peach in her place. She did her job well, but I couldn't keep her from bad-mouthing my friend in red clothing. All in all, things continued normally in Cluedoville, at least, as normally as can be expected here.

Around noon today, I got a visit from the phony "Colonel" Michael Mustard. He was not dressed in his usual military uniform, which struck me as odd.

"What do you want here?" I asked him, "And why aren't you in your uniform?"

"I need your help, and I'm out of uniform because I am going to be playing with my band at the Mayor's Ball tonight. That is, if you can help me."

I just couldn't help it. "I'm sorry; I have a funny problem with my ears. I can't hear your problem unless you put my fee on the desk."

Mike rolled his eyes and laid his credit card on the table.

"Cash only," I told him.

"You are a very difficult person, you know that, Brown?"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

He pulled out his wallet and slammed his 20 bucks on my desk very sarcastically.

"Okay, now what is it?"

"Well, I was rehearsing with my band, and I was wailing on Big Mama Blue," (that's what he called his guitar) "and then, out of nowhere, comes Patricia."

Oh, yeah. Mrs. Patricia Peacock was not what you would call a big fan of rock and roll. She actually petitioned City Hall not to allow Mike's band to play at the Mayor's Ball for the past seven years. But this year, her petitioning had failed for the first time.

"Pat came up to me and said, 'You're not going to play at the Mayor's Ball; I will make sure of it even if it kills me!' Then she punched me in the arm, and while the band was attending to me, she took off with Big Mama Blue!"

"Alright," I said, "I'm going over to talk with Pat, and you're coming with me."

When we got there, I saw Pat playing on a guitar that had been painted blue.

"Richard Donald Brown, what in the world to you think you're doing by barging into my house like this?"

"Pat, there are only two things in this world that I hate: liars, and people who use my middle name. You just became the latter, now let's see if you're the former."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"Big Mama Blue, Colonel Mustard's guitar. Why do you have it?"

She looked at Mike, then at me with a patronizing glance. "Don't be ridiculous," she said. "This is _my _guitar."

"Then why does it have her name on it? My guitar is the only one that has the words 'Big Mama Blue' on it," said Mike.

"Oh, it may have been your guitar once, but it's mine now."

Her attitude was snotty, even for her. "How do you figure that?" I asked.

"You remember my daughter's going-away party, the one with all the red lights?" Yeah, I remembered. Those red lights were the only source of light in that area. "Well, I simply had to step outside for some fresh air, and when I did, I saw this guitar in a pile of trash just outside. It shone blue in the light and I was so attracted to it. I figured if no one else wanted it, I would take it. And so I did."

"Wait a minute," Mustard said. "I do remember going to Miss Scarlet's party, and I do remember bringing Big Mama Blue with me, but I don't remember throwing her away!"

"Perhaps you should be a little less careless with your valuables!" said Mrs. Peacock as she started to play the opening bars of "The Best Things in Life are Free."

"Perhaps you should be a little less careless when you lie to people, Patricia!" I yelled so loud that she stopped playing. "Now, be a nice little girl and give Mike his guitar back," I said in the most condescending tone I could muster.

"But I told you already, this is my guitar!"

"Your story is total bull corn. You said the guitar shone blue in the light from the party. But the light from the party was all red. Big Mama Blue wouldn't appear blue in red light, it would appear black."

Suddenly, Mrs. Peacock started to sweat. "Th…that's what I meant to say…"

"But you didn't. Because you were lying."

Beat.

"Oh, all right, I did steal this guitar. Please don't call the police!"

"I won't," Mike said, "if you give me Big Mama Blue back."

Patricia did as she was asked. She ended up spending the night at home watching TV, while Mike and the band put on one hell of a show. At least, that's what people tell me.


	11. Silver and Gold

**The Cluedoville Files** **Case #11: Silver and Gold**

It was February the seventh, a week from St. Valentine's Day, here in Cluedoville, North Dakota. Love was in the air, or was that fog? Either way, things were going swimmingly at my office. Miss Josephine Scarlet (whose 30 days in a convent were up), was early, her coffee was perfect, and I had solved every case I had so far, which was none. But, that figure changed around 4:00 PM today. That's when the one and only Dr. Abigail Silver blew into my office like a whirlwind. She was dressed in her favorite silver dress, which showed off her stork-like legs.

"Uh, hi Richard," she said in a way that made me think she was hiding something. "Joey, can I speak to you for a moment?"

The two women retreated to another room. Now, most people I know would realize that what these two were discussing was none of their business. But, being a private investigator, everyone's business is my business. I got a cup and listened to their conversation.

"So, what's up, Doc? Pardon the pun."

"He proposed!"

"Shut up! Ed popped the question?"

Maybe I should explain. Abby had been going out with Mr. Edward Gold for a few months now. Ed is the local librarian. From what I heard from Joey, Abby and Ed were very good together and very much in love. Now, back to me eavesdropping.

"It was so romantic, Joey. He said he beat off some guy who tried to steal the ring, but he got it back for me, because he loved me so much. Then he got on one knee, and he said, 'Dr. Silver, would you please make me the happiest man in the world, no, the galaxy?'"

"So, let's see that rock!"

"Here it is," Silver said.

"A gold band?" asked Joey. "I thought you were allergic to gold."

"I am, but this isn't gold, it's a copper alloy that only looks like gold. Ed knows me so well."

"Take it off; I want to get a closer look at that diamond."

"I can't."

"Come on, Abby. It's not like the engagement is over if you take it off."

"I can't get it off! I'm trying as hard as I can!"

"Let me at it, I'm stronger than you are…Hey, what's with this ring?"

"I told you, I can't get it off! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!"

That's when I burst into the room. "What's going on?" I asked as if I didn't already know.

"Dick, get us some soap!" I couldn't believe I was taking orders from my own secretary! Anyway, the soap got the ring off of Abby's finger. We saw that it was red and swollen, like she was having an allergic reaction.

"What was that you said about your ring being a copper alloy?" I shouldn't have said that.

"Richard, you were spying on us?"

"Well, it's good that I did!" I said in my own defense. "Obviously, that ring was made of gold. Abby wouldn't have had a reaction otherwise."

"So, why would Ed buy me a gold ring? He knows I'm allergic."

"I don't know. Maybe I should talk to him."

And so I went to the library. The first thing I did was look through the stacks for I book that I really wanted to read. Failing to find it, I then met with the librarian.

"Hey Ed, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Not right now, I'll talk when I get off in a few minutes."

I spent the time reading until Ed was ready to talk.

"So, what's the deal? Is something wrong?"

"Actually, Dr. Silver had an allergic reaction to that ring you gave her."

He was visibly shocked. "What? How can that be? I gave her a copper alloy ring!"

"Well, the ring she had on when she came into my office today was pure gold."

"I…I don't see how it could…" His voice trailed off. "Oh, damn! I bumped into the professor on my way to propose. I'll bet he switched rings on me to make me look like an insensitive jerk!"

"And he would do this, why?"

"Because he wants my baby for himself!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, I was leaving McDonalds after lunch, and I had the ring with me. I was going to surprise Abby at work when she finished lunch. Anyway, Plum and I bumped into each other and I dropped the ring. Pete picked it up and took off with it, saying 'Nobody is going to marry Miss Silver but me!' I chased him for a block and a half before I caught him. I wrestled the ring away from him."

Edward Gold looked up thoughtfully. "I didn't see him carrying the ring until I tackled him; that was how he switched rings on me!"

"Come with me, we'll get Abby's ring back from him."

Ed and I knocked on Professor Peter Plum's door. "Who is it?" came the response.

"Pete, it's Dick. Open up, you know why I'm here."

Pete answered the door in his pajamas. "Can't this wait until morning?" he said groggily.

"No, Pete. Do you mind if we come in?"

"Oh, not at all. Can I pour you something to drink?"

Pete kept one notorious bottle of whiskey in his house. Legend has it the late Mrs. Plum drank some and she died instantly. That whiskey is actually the fifth registered weapon in Cluedoville.

"Uh, no thanks," I said.

"Okay, then, how about you, Edward?"

"No, not until you return my fiancée's ring!" Mr. Gold shouted.

"What are you talking about? I didn't take any ring."

"Don't deny it! You bumped into me on purpose at noon today!"

"It wasn't me that bumped into you. You're just jumping to conclusions."

"What?"

"The person who ran off with Miss Silver's ring was dressed in all black and a mask. There's no way to prove it was me."

"Wait," Ed said very matter-of-factly. "How do you know that the guy who bumped into me was in all black and a mask?"

"I saw the whole thing happen. I saw Edward leaving McDonalds with the ring. Then a long shadow appeared behind him. Then I saw the figure bump into him on purpose and steal the ring. Edward chased the figure for a block and a half, tackled him, and wrestled ring from the figure."

Ed looked very apologetic. "Well, his story seems to be in order; maybe he is innocent."

I pulled out my gun and leveled it at the professor. "Great story, Pete. Now give Edward the ring." He did as I asked.

As Mr. Gold and I were leaving Plum's house, he asked me how I knew he was lying. "He said that he saw a long shadow creeping up on you. But it was noon! No way there was any shadow creeping up on you!"

We arrived at Dr. Silver's apartment around 9:00 PM that evening. She was still in bed sick. Ed came down to her and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I gave you a gold ring, but it wasn't my fault…"

Abby cut him off. "Baby, I know you better than that. I'm just glad you weren't hurt."

Mr. Gold smiled sheepishly. He slid the copper ring onto his lovely bride's pinky finger (her ring finger still being swollen) and they kissed.

"I love you, Dr. Silver."

"I love you too, Mr. Gold."


	12. Money Problems

The Cluedoville Files Case #12: Money Problems 

I spent the better part of this morning balancing my checkbook. Unless I got a case today, I couldn't afford to pay my rent this month. Miss Josephine Scarlet, my secretary, could tell something was bothering me.

"Don't worry Dick, you'll get a case today, and even if you don't, being homeless isn't the worst thing in the world. Just look at Miss Peach."

"Thanks Joey. I only hope it doesn't come to that."

It was around noon that we got a visit from the DA, Mrs. Blanche White. She had some of her lunch hanging from the corner of her mouth, and looked surprised to find us still in our office.

"Mr. Brown, shouldn't you be off having lunch?" she asked.

"I can't afford lunch. Tight times, you know."

"Nonsense," Mrs. White was saying, "everyone needs a good lunch! Tell you what, why don't you come over to my house for lunch? My husband is making beef stroganoff!"

I stood up a little too fast and I got dizzy. Well, I was excited! Mr. William White is the best chef in Cluedoville, North Dakota. I am a huge fan of his beef stroganoff. Bill is unemployed, which is a shame, because he would make a great living doing what he does best! Anyway, I was so excited I was out the door before I remembered my manners.

"Joey, would you like to join me?"

"No thanks, I'm watching my figure."

At the White house (pardon the pun), I ate hungrily. Blanche explained to her husband why I was there.

"Money problems, eh?" said Bill. "I know the feeling."

"How could you know the feeling?" I asked. "Your wife makes enough money for you to feed an army."

"No, I mean problems colleting money that is rightfully mine."

"You're unemployed, Bill," Mrs. White had said. "Where are you getting money?"

Mr. White looked a little nervous. "Alright, I confess, I was playing poker with the boys again."

"William, I am surprised at you! After you said you wouldn't!"

Being the Nosy Parker that I am, I couldn't help but butt into this discussion. "What are you guys talking about?"

Blanche turned to me. "Oh, sometimes Bill plays cards with Matt, Pete, Bob, and Ed. I tried to get him to stop gambling, but I think he plays because he likes the camaraderie."

Bill perked up. "Oh, hey, did you hear this, honey? Ed got engaged!"

"No way!"

They proceeded to talk about the romance between Dr. Abigail Silver and Mr. Edward Gold. Then Bill cleared his throat. "As I was saying, Matthew owes my about 150 dollars, and I haven't seen a dime of it!"

"Hey, maybe you and I should go over to his house and get your money," I offered.

"Great idea!" Mr. White said enthusiastically. "Let's go right now!"

"Not yet," I told him, "I still need my fee."

"Oh yeah," Bill said as he slipped me a 20.

On the way to the home of Mr. Matthew Peacock, I noticed a group of people doing work on the church. Sergeant Robert Gray was cutting down trees for wood with his axe, the fourth registered weapon in Cluedoville. Miss Rachel Peach was pulling logs with the help of her rope, the third registered weapon. Madame Samantha Rose was sawing logs into boards with her chainsaw, the eighth registered weapon. Reverend Jonathan Green was nailing boards to the church wall with his favorite hammer, the seventh registered weapon. But enough about weapons already.

We arrived at Peacock estate early in the afternoon. Bill rang the doorbell, and Matt answered it. He was wearing his work clothes.

"What do you want?" Clearly Mr. Peacock was aggravated.

"You know what I want, Peacock," said Bill in an angry tone of voice. "That 150 scratch you still owe me."

"You're tripping, White. I already paid you the money!"

"Then why did he ask me too come collect the money you owe him?" I asked.

"Obviously, he's trying to coerce me out of more money!"

Matt had a point. "Okay, then why don't you tell me 'in your own words' exactly how you got the money to Mr. White."

"Okay, I absolutely took the money out of the bank on the first of the month…"

Bill cut him off at that point. "What month?"

"I don't exactly remember. Anyway, I tried to contact you for almost two weeks after that. I tried to give it to you one time, but you wouldn't accept it because it was Friday the 13th. You told me to mail it to you, and that's what I did."

"That's total bull corn! You never gave me one red cent!"

"Well, I'd expect you to say that, you con man you!"

"Hey," I said, "there's no need to resort to personal attacks. Besides, I can tell which of you is lying."

"That's good," sighed Matthew. "Now, tell this liar to get off my property, please!"

"Okay, Matt, get off of Matt's property!"

Mr. Peacock gave me a confused look. "Huh?"

"You heard me. You never got the money out of the bank, and you never mailed one thin dime to Bill."

Matthew started to stammer. "O-o-o-of c-c-c-c-course I d-did! I…"

"Yeah, yeah, you got the money on the first of the month and you tried to give it to Mr. White on Friday the 13th. Hey, I'll bet you didn't know that any month with a Friday the 13th starts on a Sunday!"

Bill looked like he was thinking hard. "Yeah, that's right. So you would have had to get the money from the bank on the first of the month, which was a Sunday. But banks are closed on Sundays!"

Matt was visibly steamed. "All right, all right! If I get the money, will you please go away?"

"Naturally!" Maybe I should have said that a little less loudly. Mr. Peacock paid Mr. White the 150 dollars.

"I tell you what, that is the last time I invite Matthew Peacock over for a game of poker," said Bill.

"Hey, can I come?" I asked hopefully.

William looked at me with the stink eye for about three seconds. "I thought you had money problems."

"Oh yeah, I forgot." I have never felt so foolish in my entire life.

"Well, maybe next time," offered Bill.

Oh, hey, before I forget, when I said it was a five hour trip to Greenberry, I exaggerated; it was only one hour long. I'm sorry about that, readers.


	13. Stealing Second

The Cluedoville Files Case #13: Stealing Second 

Ms. Jennifer Burgundy is a very plain woman. Her wardrobe is simple, and she hardly wears any makeup. She used to write for _The Cluedoville Chronicle_, and now she is the editor-in-chief. She used to be married to Sergeant Robert Gray. I was surprised today by a visit from Jen, surprised mostly because she met me at my house instead of my office. She caught me in the shower.

"Jen, what in the world?" I screamed.

"Mr. Brown, I desperately need your services!"

"Then go to my office and wait for me there, like a normal person!"

I finished my shower and ate breakfast as quickly as I could so I could get to my office faster. As I anticipated, Ms. Burgundy was there waiting for me.

"Okay, Jen," I said, "now I'm all ears."

"It's like this; someone broke into my house last night and made off with my Louisville Slugger, which I had autographed by McGuire."

"Shut up, Mark McGuire?"

"No, Dale McGuire."

Oh, yeah. Dale McGuire played shortstop for the Cluedoville Blue Sox. He was Jen's hero, I guess.

"I'll get right on the case. You know my fee."

"Actually," Jen said, "I don't. This is my first time here."

"It's 20 a day, plus expenses."

After thinking about it for a while, I realized I had no idea where to begin. Then I remembered my first case. My secretary, Miss Josephine Scarlet, knew everyone in town. I could ask her who in town was a die-hard Blue Sox fan. The problem was that she wasn't here yet. This worried me a little bit; Joey is usually early. Then I remembered that I rushed to work today. I smiled; for the first time since I hired her, I had beaten Miss Scarlet to work. Well, speak of the devil, here she comes now.

"Oh my…am I late?" she asked.

"No, I'm early. Hey, do you know anyone in town who is a fan of our Blue Sox?"

"I know Jennifer is. She has that bat autographed by Dale McGuire."

"Not anymore. Someone broke into her house and stole it."

"Oh, dear! Maybe it was Alex or Ed. Those are the only other Blue Sox fans I know."

Great, I had suspects to question now! Without missing a beat, I hit the pavement. Mister Edward Gold, the town librarian was a good friend of mine. I went down to the library to talk to him.

"Hey Ed, what's up?"

"Oh, hi there Dick. Hey, I've been meaning to talk to you."

Oh, gees. "What about?" I asked.

"I was wondering if you would my best man at the wedding."

"Happy to oblige. Oh, by the way, when is the wedding?"

"Well, Abby wants to get married on her birthday. So we're going to have the ceremony on June 15th."

"Let me guess, that way you won't forget your anniversary?"

"Or her birthday. As a matter of fact, she's making me have the number '615' tattooed on my arm!"

"No joke?"

"No joke."

We laughed about that. "Okay, now as to why I came here. I'm on a case, and you're a suspect."

"What? Why am I a suspect?"

"Ms. Burgundy's autographed Louisville Slugger is missing. You're a suspect because my sources tell me you are a big fan of the Blue Sox."

"But I didn't steal anything!"

"You wouldn't be able to prove this, would you? Where were you last night?"

"I was out buying a new tuxedo for the wedding. I have the receipt, with the date on it."

"Wow, air tight alibi. Never seen one of those before."

"I told you I didn't do it."

"And I believe you, Ed. Just don't leave town for now, I may have to talk to you later."

Ed agreed as I said my good-byes. The next stop on my investigation was the home of Monsieur Alexander Brunette. Alex was a con man par excellence, at least, when I wasn't around. Somehow I was always able to make his spiel completely transparent. He hated me for that. Whenever I go to visit him, he is always exercising in one way or another. Today I caught him on his exercise bike while he was, to my horror and his, naked.

"Oh my…" we said simultaneously. As Alex got dressed, I was rubbing my eyes trying to recover my sight. Eventually, everything and everyone was decent.

"Richard, what are you doing here? Investigating another case I presume?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact. Do you know where Jennifer's autographed baseball bat is?"

Alex looked at me sternly. "I already own a Louisville Slugger, so why would I want to steal another one?"

"You make a good point there, Alex."

"Besides, Dale McGuire is a lousy shortstop. Anything with his name on it isn't worth stealing."

"Okay, thank you M. Brunette."

I was down on my luck. By now I should have had enough evidence to prove who the perpetrator was. I was sure that I did, but I just couldn't draw a conclusion. I went back to my office and sulked. Joey was still there typing.

"I know that look," she said in a melancholy tone. "Case got you stumped?"

"Yeah," I sighed.

"Well, why don't you let me try? What harm could it do?"

She had a point. I told Miss Scarlet everything I knew.

"Wow, you got stumped by a case that easy? I'm surprised!"

"Wait," I said, "you know whodunit?"

"Sure, I do. It was M. Brunette. He simply knew too much. He said he had a Louisville Slugger and that anything with Dale McGuire's name on it was worthless. But there's no way he could have known that the bat was a Louisville Slugger or signed by Dale McGuire unless he stole it!"

"Hey, Joey, you're right! How on earth did I miss that?"

"You weren't thinking clearly, because you just saw Alex's naked body."

"Oh, don't remind me!"

Well, Ms. Burgundy got her baseball bat back. She said she wished there was a sufficient way for her to thank me. I told her no thanks were needed, I was just doing my job. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find a eulogy about me in the _Chronicle_ the very next day. Oh, and one other thing: I gave Miss Scarlet a promotion; she is now my partner in crime…stopping.


End file.
